Breakthroughs from Therapy
I went to therapy the other day.
Nath was there too.
I’ve been working through some ‘stuff’ coincidentally as I get ready to re-birth a new version of my business.
I described to my therapist how I was sitting on the sidelines watching my boys play their first ever football game, and I was on the verge of panic the entire time. What triggered me was noticing Quinn misbehaving on the field.
I don’t get all that bothered by anxiety anymore — but there are times when I’m alone with my boys and we are out socially that I panic. Irrational, explosive waves of panic. I explained to the therapist that it’s only when I perceive something is ‘wrong’ like my child is acting out or involved in an altercation with another child.
Nath admitted he is confused by my worry in these situations. That he doesn’t feel that kind of panic — ever. That he is confident that if either of the boys do something ‘naughty’ or there’s an altercation he will know what to do.
The therapist suggested that my experiencing acts of violence a long time ago causes me to experience PTSD when out socially with my sons now. If I sense an altercation might happen, the PTSD happens.
The past violence is also where I learnt that it wasn’t safe to speak up, to share how I felt, EVEN TO BE ME
Goddamn.
And I can choose to be pissed about that and resentful…
Or I can just keep looking forward. But it’s hard to keep sprinting through life at full speed when feeling this way.
So much of how we show up in the world, how we parent, even the success we have in creating something brand new is underpinned by our energy -
If we don’t have any self-worth, then we don’t bother to pursue our goals; if we’re not grounded and in tune with ourselves, or if we carry trauma, we get triggered by every little thing. And this drains energy for creating shinier new things in our lives.
I’d rather not waste any more energy so I choose to keep looking forward. But these days I slow down to peer at the infection through a microscope first. I don’t want to bandaid things anymore. I want to heal.
I am so grateful to have these breakthroughs right before I re-launch my business. Because your energy affects everything, doesn’t it?
Of course I don’t need to share this with you. But I do so for three reasons:
As women, we need to share our voices without fear. We should be able to navigate the world without the terror of violence or silencing. And it’s ok if we need to investigate these spaces with a professional.
I hope other parents will read this and realise that other parents have ‘stuff’ they’re carrying around and to approach with compassion during conflict. For example, I may have a panic attack if a parent yells at me or one of my sons if he does something ‘bad’ or ‘naughty’. Because it triggers a PTSD response in me.
I am working on finding my voice. I’m learning that it’s safe to be me and to express myself and it’s safe to share.
Hope some of what I’ve shared with you resonates and even helps in some way. Here for you.
xoxo
Bec
@ThatAchellesGirl